I’m not even sure how to start it. So please bear with me, and I’m just going to blurt it out how it is. I have the constant feeling I’m not good enough.
There I said. It now out in the open. It a heavy feeling that been affecting me all this year. The feeling where I’m not good enough at whatever I do in life.
I’m not good enough blogger; I’m not good enough Instagrammer, I’m not good enough wife. I’m just not good at anything.
I can’t say what brought it all on – this feeling. But it really has been eaten me alive offline. I often imagine my confidence, and my energy is a thin piece of rope, and at any moment it can snap.
When the paralysing fear comes on, I just don’t want to do anything. It a struggle to get up and to be motivated to do some works. A little voice will pop up in my head and say, ‘why bother’? And of course, I listen to it.
I have never been the most confident girl, and my self-esteem has never been high. I’m someone who often would hide in a corner. Even now, I’m hiding away in my office at home while Richard is in the other room.
When it comes to not feeling good enough with blogging, I do invertible compare myself to other bloggers, despite me keep telling myself not to. But I can’t help it. The same goes with Instagram. I know what you’re going to say, ‘stop the comparison’ – but I find myself wondering why people get ahead while I’m always left behind.
That just it, while everyone moves on with their life – both professionally and personally – I’m still left behind.
Is the reason why I’m left behind because I’m not good enough in my personal and professional life? I don’t even know how to answer that.
Feel free to laugh at this next bit, but I rang a psychics hotline when I was feeling really low. But this psychic immediately picked up that I’m super sensitive and that I’d have been feeling low. She was saying you really need to start believing in yourself and look on the positive side.
Easier said than done. How can you start believing in yourself if no one else does? If no one believes in you, then you’re not good enough in anything.
So as you can see, it an endless cycle – well it is for me anyway.
There a constant feeling that when you’re in your mid-thirties you are kind of sorted in life and this is the time when you are making your mark and progressing higher in life. You have a clear goal on where you want to be and how to get there.
However, I’m in my mid-thirties, and I’m not feeling like that. Does it really matter? To everyone else it does. You’re expected to have a mortgage, have a car and have 2.4 children. And for me, well I have one of those things and to be honest I don’t care for the other two. But yet, I’m getting chased by various people with the feeling I’m not good enough for not having those things in life.
What am I doing about it? Well, I’m writing about for starter and telling you what my state of mind has been like for the past year.
Let me say that, getting out of this state of mind is a whole different ball game. From what I keep telling myself that I have somehow ‘will’ my way out of it. But easier said than done. I don’t see myself getting out until someone give me a boost and give me something that helps my self-esteem and confidence.
Till that happens, I’m just going have to leave with me feeling I’m not good enough. Please remember that behind this piece of pixels’ texts does lies a person — someone who is feeling sad and struggling to swim against the tide.