…you would know that I’m still getting to know myself.
I always thought I was quite an honest and open person, but actually, over the last few years, in which I have happily been posting blog entries with few words and many pictures, I have had a lot on my mind.
Sometimes it’s difficult to comprehend how or why I feel a certain way, and this can lead to incredibly negative feelings. I know that since finishing my university degree, I haven’t felt extreme happiness. Instead, I have been hugely let-down, faced with a feeling of emptiness, and a complete lack of understanding as to what to do with my life.
Since the age of seven I have wanted to work in a media-related environment; I would drive my media teacher crazy all throughout school. Because I went to a boarding school, I spent much of my free time on the computer, either writing make-believe stories or reading up on fashion history. So it was a natural choice for me to study fashion journalism: I wanted to do journalism and study fashion at the same time, so choosing this course was like putting 2 + 2 together. There was no hesitation – I just did it. All I could think about was fulfilling my ambition of working in a media-related environment while simultaneously being surrounded by fashion. The reality since graduating, however, has been very different to how I imagined it. I finished my course with such low marks; it was a huge disappointment – when I saw my results, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. And I haven’t been able to get a job I want anywhere! I spent the last year writing cover letter after cover letter, and getting no reply – all I got was a load of ‘thanks but no thanks’ responses, and buckets of empty promises from a recruitment agency. I’m also having enormous cash-flow problems now: I’ve got enough money to pay my mortgage, but have I got enough for the little things in life? Not really! This is not how I imagined life after university would be; I saw myself getting a high-paying job.
I wish I could say that I feel more positive now, at the grand old age of 30, but the truth is: I don’t. I’m in a situation I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of! I’m still learning about myself, about how I work, but really I would like to know how I come across to other people: when I’m shy, when I’m outgoing, what really matters to me, and what really makes me tick. I think that this is the key to unlocking my current situation – how people perceive you. In all honestly I struggle with over-thinking and over-analysing things. I am naturally a very neurotic person, I worry about things other people wouldn’t even notice; in fact, there are times when I worry about things that simply can’t happen. I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not.
The point of this little ramble is twofold. The first is to tell you that, if you ever feel remotely like this, there are always people there for you, whether they are your friends in real life, or someone in the blogging community. Second, feeling a little bit lost isn’t a negative thing – it can be a positive thing. I’m slowly thinking about fate and destiny – there are things we cannot control.
I’m getting miscarriage treatment, which will hopefully lead to pregnancy next year, so I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m thinking of this as an opportunity and not a failure – hopefully I will be ok.